There is SPAM for breakfast

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FJ de Kermadec

FJ de Kermadec
Dec. 13, 2005 06:58 AM
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Living in Paris has its perks. I own a frequent flyer card from the snottiest airline around, can tell you which color the 2006/2007 ready to wear collections will be all about and have developed an instinctive ability to look on both sides of the road, no matter what it is I am crossing. The most underrated of all these little advantages, though, is the fact that I live hours ahead or behind the parts of the world where the Internet happens — namely the States and Asia.

Indeed, a little while ago, I used to receive my SPAM 24/7, which caused my inboxes to cope with useless messages even while I was asleep, occasionally choking on random messages. Now, with the advent of SPAMNets, simple PCs turned into Zombies by the bewildering array of Windows trojans released daily on the network, I know most of my SPAM will come between 1 and 3 PM Paris time, right after I come from my lunch break. How come? Well, it is the time at which many users in the States wake up, turn on their PCs while brushing their teeth or, alternatively, download the first -- and probably last -- email of the day on their work machines.

Now that my SPAM has developed patterns, I can know when it will come, how it will come and, more importantly, what it will look like. This makes it easier to write scripts, deploy filters and, generally speaking, ignore the New Mail badge at certain times of the day.

Traditional breakfast menus included bacon, blood sausage and eggs. In the XXIst century, the charcuterie dish definitely comes with a slice of SPAM as well. Just remember: eat it on whole bread, it's much better for you. Mail will provide the paper bag to store it.

FJ de Kermadec is an author, stylist and entrepreneur in Paris, France.